A vicious cycle could be a spiral without a visible third dimension…

Refuted in love; lost in its personal hell.
A burden to my friends and family.
And my smiles reify no joy.

Haunted; I try to hide
from perfectly rendered photographs
that cascade in view of my mind’s eye;
Black and Grey postcards simulating the past
“passed-up this time; next time; again?…”
Yes
“…this really will not do, my friend”

I saw the earth as a mote of dust.
loneliness recruiting the lost to its swollen ranks,

I was feeling so foul I couldn’t be honest with myself;
“You’re miserable and alone”

Thoughts of self-destruction spring into action;
Lacking investigation, lacking in detail or finesse.
Till finally it snapped, I snapped.

And with careful thought:
Took as many anti depressants as I could,
A measly 4 week supply was all I found.

“This really will not do, look for something to supplement;
build this chemical kosh’

As much cider as I could stomach,
and a heady lit up roll of blunt cannabis.
“Finally….,” as I took a hit, “…Rock bottom”

On the spot they found me; my street corner.
Supping cider, hallucinating, trying to keep it in,
almost devoid of a coherent care or reality.
soon I heard different voices;

“Daniel, listen to me, you’ve taken something bad
and we think this could make you very unwell…”

“That was kind of the point” I replied.

“yes, well, we’re going to call an ambulance,
… and we’re also informing your parents…”

My last meal it could have been
but for Sertraline, which I later found out:
is notoriously difficult to overdose on.
750 mg won’t bring your journey’s end -
perhaps a half remembered ride in an ambulance
A night in observation at A&E,
Months of the same  old medication and therapy…

Psychologists at Abbey View talk to me
my parents with the best of intents talk at me
my friends I forget to rely on all talk among themselves
The girl I like doesn’t seem to want to talk at all.

A few months of ignoring the facts help me relax
but it’s all part of a vicious cycle
or is it more like a downward spiral?

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~ by gojonesy on March 6, 2011.